I write to Remind Myself

I can't imagine the last time I really worried. I'm not the worrying type. I always felt that their are forces beyond my control keeping things in line. I've never been quite sure what those forces are, but they are what keeps the earth aligned, my mind in check and my feet solidly planted on the ground. Over the past few days my alignment has been off. I find that the tiniest thorn in my side will ruin my day. I walk down the street and even the man whistling his own theme song rings in my head like a wake up alarm. i hate it.

My attitude must stink. To everyone around me whose used to my positive outlook I must look disgusting. On a normal day I can take things sparingly. I can move past the negative and replace that dark space with a shining lining. Up until now I haven't found that lining. I think I internalize things because I don't want others to worry. Showing emotion is not a strong suit for me. I've tried so hard to remain the rock and remain stable. The problem is, no matter how hard a rock may be, if you pile enough stuff on top of it, eventually it starts to sink. I kind of feel like I'm sinking into the mud.

I think I recently had a small version of a melt down. It wasn't what i think of when I think of meltdowns. Actually, all I can think of when i hear the word meltdown is Britney Spears shaving her head.

No worries, I didn't shave my head.

But I've never felt so overwhelmed as I have recently. It's surprising how the pressures can add up. From trying to plan a wedding, increasing pressures at work, managing finances for two people, as well as dealing with your best friend/fiance being continents away for a year, you would begin to feel a little pain.

Like I said, I'm not good with emotions because I don't want people to think I can't handle things on my own. I'm independant, rock-solid, and secure. Although at times is seems like none of that is true. So you could say that it would be abnormal for me to cry when my favorite shirt is ruined, cry because I don't want to do laundry, or cry to my boss at work; however, all of those have become regular for me.

I was recently reminded that sometimes bad things happen to good people. Not because they did something wrong, but because you can't get to the good without going through the bad. So no matter how hard, stressful, or painful things may get, the good stuff is just around the corner. To that I said, "the good stuff better get here soon because I'm getting tired."

But the truth of the matter is I know that it doesn't last. I know that everything happens for a reason and while I may cry to my boss today, tomorrow is a new start. As stressful as planning a wedding can be, I know that in just a few months I'm going to marry my best friend. Even though I miss Pat terribly, I know he's coming home in just 85 days.

I don't write these things just for you, I write them to remind myself that as hard as it gets sometimes, I have to go through the bad before I can get to the good. And that makes the good just that much sweeter.